Late night thoughts...

                                            Anxieties...

So these past couple of months haven't been the easiest due to the lock-down, there has been many arguments and many sleepless nights. It is getting harder everyday to cope with staying in one place. the idea of being stuck in one place for too long sets my anxiety through the roof although, the same thing happens when i even think about leaving the house for more than 10 minutes. I believed that if i could find ways to distract myself constantly I would be able to cope but with my current mental and physical state, it has been very hard to go through with this idea. 

The longer the virus is spreading, the less I believe that everything will be okay. I know things are hard for everyone right now and I understand that my feelings aren't exactly relevant to the situation but that doesn't mean that I can stop feeling this way for the sake of others. As selfish as it sounds, my mental health is bad enough without dealing with the stress of other peoples problems. I've had enough will all the drama. I don't think I will ever want to leave the house again after all this because I can't deal with the anxieties of the world and the people living in it. It is too difficult!

                         Depression & Suicidal Thoughts...

My brain is slowly becoming what it used to be. I do not see many good reasons to stay alive anymore. This isn't a cry for help or me looking for attention, I'm not that kind of person, but I would like to talk about the fact that this is a safe space for me to share my thoughts and interests whether they are good or bad. Not a place to cry for attention! Anyway, back to what i was saying earlier, I do not feel the need to live anymore. I've done my part in trying hard to succeed and it just hasn't worked out. Guess i just wasn't made for this world. I'll stick around for my brothers 5th birthday and see how things go from there, these tablets that i'm on seem to be working more now but my dark thoughts are getting stronger by the day and its very hard to control but I am working on it. I think the best thing to do right now though is to try and get some sleep and let my tablets do they're thing whilst I rest. Hopefully I wake up feeling a bit better in myself tomorrow morning. Bye for now 😊

P.S... Sorry for the rant my lovelies, it was much needed 💕    

(Photos I find aesthetically pleasing, first taken by me and second unknown found on google images)