I can't do this anymore...

I want to die

So for the past few days my mental health has been anything but great. I have felt this way for a very long time but today it feels... different. I normally dwell on how my life will end and it never really stops going through my head but I feel like its time to stop dwelling and just end it. I may not have the worst life a person can have but I am still struggling so goddamn much and I am ready to die. Now its just finding the right method to go for. I know that a lot of people think this is the cowards way out and honestly I couldn't give less of a damn about it, I don't care if I'm being a coward, i just want to be at peace...

Good-bye :) 

Late night thoughts...

                                            Anxieties...

So these past couple of months haven't been the easiest due to the lock-down, there has been many arguments and many sleepless nights. It is getting harder everyday to cope with staying in one place. the idea of being stuck in one place for too long sets my anxiety through the roof although, the same thing happens when i even think about leaving the house for more than 10 minutes. I believed that if i could find ways to distract myself constantly I would be able to cope but with my current mental and physical state, it has been very hard to go through with this idea. 

The longer the virus is spreading, the less I believe that everything will be okay. I know things are hard for everyone right now and I understand that my feelings aren't exactly relevant to the situation but that doesn't mean that I can stop feeling this way for the sake of others. As selfish as it sounds, my mental health is bad enough without dealing with the stress of other peoples problems. I've had enough will all the drama. I don't think I will ever want to leave the house again after all this because I can't deal with the anxieties of the world and the people living in it. It is too difficult!

                         Depression & Suicidal Thoughts...

My brain is slowly becoming what it used to be. I do not see many good reasons to stay alive anymore. This isn't a cry for help or me looking for attention, I'm not that kind of person, but I would like to talk about the fact that this is a safe space for me to share my thoughts and interests whether they are good or bad. Not a place to cry for attention! Anyway, back to what i was saying earlier, I do not feel the need to live anymore. I've done my part in trying hard to succeed and it just hasn't worked out. Guess i just wasn't made for this world. I'll stick around for my brothers 5th birthday and see how things go from there, these tablets that i'm on seem to be working more now but my dark thoughts are getting stronger by the day and its very hard to control but I am working on it. I think the best thing to do right now though is to try and get some sleep and let my tablets do they're thing whilst I rest. Hopefully I wake up feeling a bit better in myself tomorrow morning. Bye for now 😊

P.S... Sorry for the rant my lovelies, it was much needed 💕    

(Photos I find aesthetically pleasing, first taken by me and second unknown found on google images)

First Post!

Hello there, for my first offical post I would like to tell you a few things about myself. My name is Ellie, I live in Cardiff, I enjoy makeup, art, reading and horror.

For those of you who believe that creepy, weird and crazy things are some of the best ways to enjoy life then you're in the right place. Those of you that disagree are obviously in denial and sick of the "normal" life you live every day otherwise you would have clicked off by now. Hopefully you will find this to be your safe place, a place to be inspired and be yourself.

No particular time slots for updates, gonna keep the blog as random as my life.

Welcome to my creatively mad blog!

(This is me with my dramatic dark makeup looks)